A letter to my surprise baby,
I remember when your daddy and I first started talking about having kids. We were so young, hopeful and naive. We didn’t know about pregnancy complications, congenital defects, infertility and infant loss. And slowly as the years went by we learned about each of those things. We learned with Cali, our first, that not all babies are born perfect. We learned that some babies are born very sick and require much intervention to live; and that sometimes those interventions just aren’t enough. We learned that little babies can die too. Something that I just hadn’t considered.
And then baby # 2 came. Our perfect little baby. No pregnancy complications this time. She was everything that we had hoped and she got to come home with us. We loved her so much for it. For coming to us. For staying with us. For bringing light back into our lives. She truly lives up to her name of “Summer” for she brought back our smiles, our laughs and filled our broken hearts. She taught us that broken hearts are capable of great love; maybe even more than if they’d never been broken before. For many years her smile, her laugh, and her big personality filled our lives. Our world revolved around her. Then slowly we felt the yearning to have another baby.
This time we learned about infertility. We tried and tried month after month with nothing. I couldn’t believe how painful this was. This pain was so different. Wanting something so bad without having control over it was heart breaking. I cried myself to sleep too many nights to count. Finally, pieces began to fall into place which led us to IVF. And it worked! Our hope and excitement were once again restored. Although it didn’t last long. We were faced with more pregnancy complications.
Baby # 3 was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect. The fear and pain I felt throughout the pregnancy, sending her off to surgery and watching and waiting through her recovery were again torturous. Honestly, it was too much. It was not only facing the demons of that day but also of the past, our experiences with Cali and her brief life. I knew this was the last time I could be put into a place to worry this much over my child. I knew that there wouldn’t be any strength left to do it again. No more reserve. Nothing left to dig deeper into. Whether she lived or died she would be my last child.
As it turned out she survived. She is everything to us all. We got 2 beautiful daughters to love on and watch grow. And honestly, after everything we’d been through up to this point, I felt incredibly blessed.
So I closed the door to my heart ever wanting more. I lived in such gratitude for the life I got to live that I never ever even thought that I could ask for you. I was too scared to try. Too scared to think about facing the uncertainty again. So I didn’t. I didn’t think about more. I didn’t mourn. I just loved. And then you, you little miracle, somehow figured out a way to sneak into my life and my heart. And even though the first half of this pregnancy have been so scary and hard for me, I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you figured out coming. Because I wouldn’t have found you on my own. So, my dear little surprise baby, thank you for coming. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for being healthy and giving me yet another chance to learn more about love and life. Thank you for coming even though I didn’t ask you to.
